How to Identify an Emotional Mind Fucker or a Pathetic Loser.

Now let me tell you, it hasn't been easy.

But I have finally developed the "Loser Alarm". Yes, that one which starts beeping and blinking red inside your head, and which blares the warning "Don't go there!", every time you listen to that smooth, emotional, processed tin can of crap being dished out at you. Ever been there?

Now, here's a bit of a tutorial. Because honey, if I've been there, use my experience rather than going though the pile of crap to figure it out for yourself. As for any men who may come across this post, and have been fortunate/unfortunate enough to meet the female counter parts of the two prototypes I am going to explain hereafter, just think of these caricatures in terms of altered gender.

In my experience they come in two kinds: the Self Degrading Mind Fucker and the Guilt Inducing Blame Gamer.

Mr. A, thrives on your sympathy. When things don't go his way, he tells you emotional stories from his past, or whines about the instability of his present and uses them as an excuse for the "monster" he has become. He will tell you he can say such things only to you, for no one else understands him. Don't even try to argue with him, it's a trap! For this man accepts his mistakes before you can even point them out. And no, this does not mean he takes responsibility for it. Taking responsibility for a mistake means that you do everything possible to rectify it. But no, what this man does, is that he very carefully and strategically disarms you, while putting his own hands off. And then comes, *Dhan-ta-Nan* the "self pity" act, till you crumble, because ofcourse you like him, maybe love him even. You think that it's cruel that someone should punish themselves so hard, and feel so miserable for having committed those mistakes. Don't even think about this ladies! The only way out of this: throw him out of your house, all bags and baggages, but before that, gift him a tampon and ask him to stick it up his rear.

Now, while Mr. A was just pathetic (though manipulative in his own way) Mr. B is a sly, calculative manipulator. He thrives on your guilt. Almost nothing you do is good enough for him, and worse, you "make him act" the way he acts. He will turn your statements around; bring up past acts which you did not even know were an issue till then; all just to make you believe that you had an ulterior evil motive behind the way you acted or maybe you're just a bad person overall. You can't get away from this person, unless you can stand up to him and say "Fuck off. It's not my fault that you're such a dick head." and really mean it. The strategy to deal with this kind, is to simply refuse to allow the guilt to eat into you. Trust me it's a lot better to be a bitch who walks all over 'em than to be a door mat who's walked all over.

Every once in a while, if you're really God's favourite child, you'll run into a certain Mr. Duplicity, who seems to have perfected both of the above mentioned mind fucking techniques. If that Mr. A+B has been unleashed upon you, then God save you. Simply. Run. For. Your. Life.

I can smell a piece of crap when I see it and sometimes even when I can't see it. A turd is a turd is a turd. Even if they paint it pink and spray it with perfume and garnish it with little heart shaped pretzels. If you go ahead and eat that shit, the joke is on you.

Ladies (and gentlemen, if there are any here), if you ever need someone to tell you that, your "Guy" or "Girl" is being a total dick-head, an ass-hole or a vapid and sore loser, just holla at me. I promise to say it as it is. You'll get no "but maybe she's confused" or "maybe he needs some time to figure things out" bullshit out of me.

Trust my Loser Alarm. I henceforth stand proselytized to a Heartless Bitch. Fuck you very much.